So, this is the new thing I’m trying out. Because “New Year’s”. I’ve done this every year, actually, so I don’t have high hopes for this continuing for very long.
Anyway, my idea is to just write for an hour every day. I’m doing overnight shifts at work, and because my body doesn’t like change I’ve been up all night every night. This is mostly fine, I don’t like going out or seeing people; but has meant I see less of Hillary, which has affected me more than I thought it would.
Days that I work, I see Hil for an hour, if I’m lucky, and obviously that’s rough, but even the days that I’m off we only spend 6 or 7 hours together. That may sound like plenty of time, but I’ve been used to spending literally every waking moment with her (for at least a couple of days straight).
My wife is my best friend. I rely on her presence so much that I have a hard time enjoying anything if she’s not in the same room I am. Last night I played a few rounds of Counter Strike until I remembered how terrible I am at it and how not-fun that is, then sat trying to think of something to do, then started Counter Strike again. “But Desire” you ask, “what about those other games you like: Far Cry 2 and 3, Max Payne 3, XCOM 2012, The Walking Dead, Dishonored, Sleeping Dogs, Borderlands 2 (written by the electrifying Anthony Burch), FTL, Skyrim, etcetera?” It turns out, I forget how to have fun without my wife. Weirdly, it seems to scale with how far away she is, physically, from me at any given time. I’m most able to enjoy things when we’re both in the same room, and I’m usually okay if she’s just asleep upstairs but I get a little restless, and when she’s out of the house I sometimes start pacing back and forth.
That brings me to the second way not seeing Hillary has hurt me: being crazy. Less time with Hillary means less time available to talk about my feelings and experiences. Not only do I have less opportunity to talk to my wife to get her to help me through my own emotions, but because out time together is limited, I try to not talk about it so our time together can be as positive and fun as possible.
So, that’s my meandering way of explaining the reason for this project. Maybe just writing something down will help work through issues. Maybe it won’t. Can’t hurt, right?